On my quest for awakening, the experience of separation from my Divine Self was nearly unbearable. It felt as though I could not rest until . . . and then I couldn’t even tell you what it was I was looking for exactly, only that I couldn’t stop searching for it and that I’d know for sure when I had found it. I couldn’t put my finger on the fact that I was searching for permission to lead a magical life and to somehow find my place in a society that seems to have no need for a spiritual compass at all. I wanted to be where the action is—to be challenged. I wanted to have my mind blown. I found it hard to settle for what people were telling me life was about. There was something in me rising up that couldn’t be satisfied by anything I’d ever learned. I needed to go so much deeper.
This was a painful dilemma for me in many ways, particularly because I didn’t know how to connect to the Source myself. Growing up as a Christian girl, I was taught both from the pulpit and by example that women have no authority and that God is mainly interested in leading humanity through the agency of select men; and that for any reliable wisdom teaching, one had to siphon what they could from what to me was a dry well: overly confident men, given too much authority. Having this influence in my life, along with the many disempowering, abusive and traumatic events that befall a person over the course of a decade or two, I didn’t have confidence in myself or trust myself to “hear” clearly. I wasn’t sure that I was worthy to hear from God. I was afraid of being let down, feeling foolish or feeling abandoned. I also feared the isolation of awakening to something so many others don’t even want to see or believe in. I was afraid of my own doubting and self-questioning in a world of no support. It was a lonely road for a long time and answers were hard to find, or rather, no where to be found at all.
I felt my passion die, for the first time in my life I became mediocre and jaded, as my Christian spiritual practice lost its meaning, being reduced to mere rules and rituals. Sure it served the purpose of rekindling my hope–encouragement to endure the struggles of life. But that to me was not enough. I was tired of grappling with the shadows and hoping for the occasional splash of brilliant light that would break through from time to time. I was longing to step fully into the light. My desire to be challenged to awaken reached a peak of urgency and at times, desperation.
After 33 years spent wandering in a Christian wilderness, a new journey began. It started with a very dark night, brought on by tragedy; which resulted in 2 years of post-Christian detox; where I let go of beliefs and habits practiced since birth; followed by a gently dawning freedom. After this dark period in my life, I became interested in manifestation as taught by awakening gurus online and discovered how to dismantle belief systems. This dismantling exposed my connection to everything around me and yielded an intimate understanding of our internal emotional organization. Within a few years, I had inadvertently developed a number of healing techniques, which dramatically and rapidly transformed my experience of life and my understanding of who I am. Basically, I was a billion intricate parts, operating in isolation from each other, needing to be integrated. Integration brought greater and greater wholeness and yet, I was growing weary of facing and integrating one more shadow.
It turns out I was being trained and prepared to work with people. I did the math. A modest estimation would be that I have encountered around 10,000 emotional parts or what I like to call pseudopersonalities (which come in twos—so 5,000 integrations) over the course of about 4 years. This should show you my level of devotion to this work. It transformed my concept of humanity and of reality itself to witness the changes that took place in the people and events around me, coinciding with each emotional resolution, without me ever saying or doing anything outwardly to influence them. 5,000 roles were played by me. The other 5,000 were played by other humans and situations in my life, almost always reflecting back to me to expose some broken fragment of my own mind and heart, in search of healing. With each integration I felt safer and safer and more at peace and more at home in the world. I was beginning to love myself, or rather, I was uncovering the version of me that I had loved all along, one puzzle piece at a time. And as the fear of anticipated pain in relationships subsided, my ability love and to see the other people in my life increased. My focus shifted more and more from self-preservation to “how can I serve?” It was amazingly wonderful to feel my heart opening.
I believe this phase in my life informed my intuition with experiential understanding of all there is to know about having emotions and the tangled webs of relationship. I developed the ability to speak the energetic language of emotion, to the point where I could find paths through the darkness, identifying which game the mind is playing on itself and speak to it the particular words that rewrite codes, forming pathways to new openings of light, both for myself and for others. This had become a natural skill and my trust in my higher guidance in this process grew immensely.
All along this journey I would receive downloads of understanding. In the wee hours of morning, in deep sleep, I could feel myself being healed by . . . someone, as kindness and teaching were lavished upon me from the inside. This was a wonderful blessing that made me wake up many mornings refreshed and full of clarity. I also started having powerful realizations of Love that caused me to begin to reject the integration work that I was doing. Manifestation was exciting to witness and initiate, but the exhausting, albeit liberating undoing of shadows was endless. I decided that it was not the most loving path. There was too much effort involved for it to be truly joyful. This change of heart was bewildering at first, since the majority of my focus had been dedicated to this work. I had truly hoped and believed that it was the shining solution to my desire to fully awaken. But I could feel it in my heart that there had to be a better way, a way that was lighter on the spirit, exciting even, and that I had exhausted this route to prove this to myself.
Let me digress for a second to share with you one thing: My post-Christian spiritual quest, spanning about 7 years, was rather ironic in the end because I learned experientially what pastors and scriptures could never make clear to me. I came to an eye opening understanding of the Christ, which was once merely a historical story of a God/man to be believed and trusted in . . . something outside myself that could save me—tied up in a tradition that had stalemated on the topic of sin and moved no further for centuries. Quite after the fact, once countless layers of shadow had already been peeled away from my soul, the Christ was revealed, through the healing process, as an actual blueprint for awakening. If only anyone had understood it when I was younger and could have shared with me about the Deity within, waiting to awaken AS ME…rather than the male, disciplinarian God who was separate and ‘other’ than me.
And so, here I am at last offering this gracious integration with the Divine through surrender. The “work” is effortless and my conscience is relieved: I can now offer the highest possible integration, rather than a sub level shadow work which does not acknowledge what every spiritual teacher I know of is hinting at (but often won’t come out and say): that we are Divine beings. What a relief to stop beating around the bush! I am also now free to delve into the transmutation of shadows at the discretion of my Divine Self, as Steward over both light and shadow and every expression therein.
My encouragement to you: From wherever point along the path where you now find yourself, the Divine meets YOU, intersecting with your world to satisfy your longing heart and mind, fulfilling Its intentions, which are your exciting visions, through you. The egoic human being is not meant to be shamed, controlled, coddled or feared. She and he are to be met, validated, forgiven, awakened and satisfied. And only the Divine Presence can fully do this.
To me, this is just the beginning of the journey, with twists and turns unimaginable and delicious. Don’t settle for less than the Divine within awakening as YOU! This is your birthright. It is always available and it can never be taken away from you. I am here to help you in a way that no one was ever available to me, to save you years of futile seeking, if you are willing to submit yourself to this Divine awakening, which is my privilege to learn and to share with you on this journey.